=3 <3 ill add more later.

yush... Kemp. isnt he pretty?

//edit/rambling/
ok. i am so depressed. Look at this picture. it reflects EXACTLY how i feel inside--now how i act, but how i really feel. Kemper is standing, sort of leaning, and his wings are arched like he would go to put them around her, and his face is a picture of desire, of a love he wish he could bestow, a heart he wants to be comfortable giving away but is afraid for anyone to see it--of suppressed, powerful feeling. His whole pose suggests that he wants to give himself away, wants to let go, to come apart and reveil to her the workings of himself--who he truely is, what he truely thinks, how he truely feels... but is afraid, isnt sure his heart is fully recovered from the last blow, is afraid he's settling for less than he deserves out of desparation and loneliness.... and then there's Jack, who knows just how amazing Kemper is, how much of a 'catch' he is considered to be--but she's not serious. she doesnt seem to return his passion. She's not so much interested in him for who he is--just who he looks like. He's handsome, and devoted to her--but she doesnt seem to care who he is inside, or about his past, why he is what he is, or how he veiws the world... she's soaking in his attention, his faithfulness, his eagerness to please... but not interested in even attempting to return the effort.... she doesnt appriciate him. She doesnt understand, or even desire to understand, who he is. How special he is. Who he really is inside... He has a fountain, full of beautiful butterflies... his legacy. But she doesnt care. she'll probably never care, never desire to see it--or she'll look at it from a distance, and say 'oh, thats cool.' then turn and walk away. He'll write her poetry of the soul, think about her and how and what he could possibly do to try to please her, to impress her, to make her happy--but he wont ever cross her mind unless she's with him, and then all she cares about is his abiliaty to please her. How he makes her feel. that she is so great, for having captured and wrapped him around her finger. But it'll never cross her mind that maybe, just maybe, she doesnt deserve him. That maybe she's milking him of all he's worth, and eventually he will finally break down, and be unable to give any more... That maybe he's lonely, that maybe he's sad, maybe his heart still aches inside from old wounds that he has been nursing, but have never been soothed... She doesnt want to please him. She doesnt want to make him happy, or soothe the ache in his heart. She'll end up using him, twisting his heart, make him feel like he is worthless, like no one will ever care about him, that there's nothing special, nothing impressive, nothing worth liking about him, and then once he's numb, completely numb, she'll toss him out and move on. It'll never even cross his mind that all he wants is for her to make an effort, to whisper to him sweet things, to touch him gently when he needs to feel wanted, to tell him he's not worthless. To tell him that he is a rare person, that there's no one else like him. That he is appriciated.
But he wont ever tell her directly.. he wont ever say, 'do you appriciate me? do you really, truely, love me? Am i the only one? do i ever make you feel happy? Geniunely happy?" but he'll try to ask in subtle ways, and feel like a failure when she never says anything. when she never tells him that she thinks he's worth fighting for. when she never tells him that theres no one else, that there could never be anyone else who could touch her heart like he can.
and he will never directly ask for her to try for him. to fight for him. to do little sweet things to show that she cares. he'll never say, "hey, this is what gets me crazy..." but he'll ask through movements, try to tell her with his eyes, let his heart jump up into his mouth and choke on it--but he'll never be able to ask for affection. never. But he'll feel worthless, unloved, unimportant when she doesnt. When she acts like she thinks its strange that he gazes at her wistfully, when he chokes on his words because his heart is in his mouth, when she blatantly disregards him and he looks at her in question, hurt that she thinks so little of him, and she'll ignore this. It wont matter to her--because he's not important. If he left her, she would only regret it as far as the loss of a pet, but not of a lover. She would be able to find someone else easily. He's not special, to her, in any way. he doesnt have her heart.
But does he? do i? i dont know... i dont feel like it.
am i settling for less because i am desparate and lonely? because i want to feel like maybe someone else cares if i am happy or sad? i dont know. but you cant rely on someone else to make you happy--but its so hard not to. its so hard to say 'its not them failing to make me happy, its me succeeding in making myself feel completely worthless.' its so hard...
he regards her heart as something precious, something to handle carefully and lovingly... but she has no regard for his, she would step on it and twist it if it meant getting her way. it hurts, to feel not only manipulated, but also unappriciated, and plain, all at the same time...
//endedit/rambling/

Kemp & Jacqueline (C)me

song: epiphany - staind


Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles
'Cause my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
'Cause i can't take anymore of this
I wanna come apart
And dig myself a little hole
^{Inside your precious heart}

Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than
^{A little boy} inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing isn't feel

Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said ......